If I'm Your Koi
by Saruvi
Summary: When 003 pours a potion over Hisoka's head, he loses his memory, Watari tells the empath that he's Tsuzuki's lover, making Tsuzuki realize how he feels for the boy.
1. A Slimy Situation

**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei and the characters Hisoka Kurosaki, Asato Tsuzuki, and other YnM characters are the property of Yoko Matsushita.

--

They were tracking a demon in an old warehouse on the outskirts of the city. Asato Tsuzuki along with his partner Hisoka Kurosaki had managed to chase the demon into the lower level of the building cornering it. Hisoka was holding it in place with a binding sutra while Tsuzuki began chanting for his shikigami to come. A magnificent fiery phoenix rose up behind the purple eyed shinigami as his smaller partner struggled to maintain the bind on the demon.

"Fire!" Tsuzuki shouted to Suzaku.

At once, the shikigami attacked the demon. Hisoka fell onto his knees, he looked up as he heard Tsuzuki shout "Explode!" to Suzaku. Both shinigami watched as the phoenix exploded into the demon, sending it spiralling outwards in slime and charred flesh. Tsuzuki wrinkled his nose at the smell of burning flesh as he ran up to his partner.

"Soka! Are you alright?!" the man asked, wrapping his arms around the teen and pulling him into his arms.

"Aa, I'm fine. It was just stronger than I expected. But we got it," Hisoka answered.

Tsuzuki teleported them both to Meifu, landing them at the foot of the steps to Ju-Oh-Cho. Clasping the boy's hand, they walked into the building to file their report, fill Tatsumi in on the what happened, then head home for the day. The shinigami had been partners for over four years.

"You want to grab some dinner together after we're done here?" Tsuzuki asked.

"Sure. Ne, Tsuzuki, would you mind filling Tatsumi in? I need to go see Watari about something," Hisoka asked his partner.

The amethyst eyed shinigami looked at the emerald eyed youth worry in his eyes.

"Soka? You ok?" he asked the teen.

"Aa, I'm alright. I just need to see Watari about something. I'll tell you about it later," Hisoka replied, then headed to the lab.

--

Watari stared at the teen as he paced around the lab. He would stop, open his mouth, close it then resume his pacing. He was making the scientist nervous and he was about to tell the kid to sit down when Hisoka suddenly stopped and asked,

"Are you sure this will work? What if he finds out?"

"He won't find out. All you have to do is keep playing your part, until he admits his feelings for you. This is what you want to do right? You're sure about this?" Watari asked.

"Aa, I'm sure. I've tried everything to get him to see how I feel about him. Nothing's worked. He believes he's too old for me or that he's not human. Or whatever his mind can come up with to stop him from being with me," Hisoka replied, "I love him, I know he loves me, he just refuses to see it."

"Alright bon, this is how we're going to do this. You'll agree to test out a new potion for me. Don't worry, the effects will only last a few hours, then you'll be yourself," the scientist explained when he saw the boy widen his green eyes, "You really won't remember anyone at first, but that'll wear off after a couple hours, but you won't mention that you remember when the effects are gone alright?"

"Hai, don't worry. If this doesn't work, then I don't know what else to do," the teen told him. There was worry in those beautiful eyes.

"Bon, relax. Just remember to not give away that you got your memory back and it'll be fine. I'll help you, so relax ok?" Watari told him.

"Alright. I'm going to go back to my office. I'll see you in about, say an hour?" Hisoka asked.

"Sounds good. See ya then bon," the scientist said as the boy left the lab.

--

Watari had just finished with the potion and was about to head to Hisoka and Tsuzuki's office when he dropped something. Bending to pick it up, he didn't see his little owl 003 pick the potion vial up in her beak and fly out of the lab. He stood up, looking for the vial he had left on the counter but was surprised when he couldn't find it. He knew he had left it on the counter but now it was gone.

He was looking all over the tabletop for it when he heard a shriek followed by yelling. Running out of his lab, he headed in the direction. The yelling was coming from the direction of Hisoka and Tsuzuki's office.

"_What the hell_?!" Hisoka yelled, as Watari walked into the office the two men shared.

Hisoka's golden brown hair was dripping wet in what appeared to be blue slime. The boy was angry. His green eyes flashing with irritation. He was holding 003 in one of his hands, trying to keep her from flying off.

"Ano, what the heck happened here?" Watari asked.

"003 came flying in as we were working and dropped something on Soka's head," Tsuzuki explained, it looked like he was trying not to laugh at his younger partner's predicament.

"Tsuzuki! Don't you _dare_ laugh! _This is not funny_! Watari, take your owl. I'm going home to take a shower," Hisoka said furiously, teleporting himself out of the office to his apartment.

As soon as the boy walked out, Tsuzuki burst in tears, laughing so hard he had to sit down in his chair.

"Wow, was he angry," Tsuzuki said inbetween laughs.

_Not as angry as he's going to be when he finds out that he got covered in the entire vial of the potion_, Watari thought, shivering at the image of the boy blasting him in anger.

--

The next morning, Hisoka hadn't shown up to work. It was almost eleven o'clock in the morning, well past the time to come into the office. Since this wasn't normal behavior for the usually punctual empath, Tatsumi asked Tsuzuki where his partner was when they were in the breakroom getting coffee and Tsuzuki was eating a pastry.

"Tsuzuki, where is Kurosaki-kun this morning? He didn't call out sick," the secretary asked.

"Ano, I don't know. I will go check his apartment to see if something happened," Tsuzuki told the man, teleporting to just outside the door of Hisoka's apartment.

He had to knock three times before he heard a small voice ask, "Who is it?"

"Hisoka, it's Tsuzuki," the purple eyed shinigami said.

"Who?" the door opened, revealing Hisoka, his green eyes looked confused and frightened.


	2. Who Are You?

The boy looked at his partner as though he'd never seen him before. Tsuzuki stepped into Hisoka's apartment. He reached over to shut the door, frowning when he saw the way the teen jumped back when he got close to him.

"Hisoka, what's wrong?" he asked him.

"I-I don't know who you are," the teen replied. He looked like a little child who had lost his way home.

"Nani?" the older man's voice held shock and confusion.

"What do you mean? You're my partner. We've been partners for the last four years. Are you feeling alright?" Tsuzuki asked, placing a hand on the boy's forehead.

Hisoka nearly knocked himself out when he flew backwards into the wall trying to get away from him. His normally bright eyes were filled with fear.

"Soka! Are you alright, did you hit your head?" Tsuzuki didn't understand why the boy was behaving this way. But he didn't think he was fooling around. Hisoka looked really frightened of Tsuzuki and the man couldn't didn't know why.

"Look. I already told you, I don't know who you are!" the boy yelled, his voice wavered a little with his fear.

Tsuzuki couldn't take it anymore. There was something really wrong with Hisoka and he needed to find out what it was immediately. Maybe Muraki did something to the boy? Walking over to the youth, he lifted him up.

"Hey! Put me down!" the boy yelled as he was lifted into the older man's strong arms.

He was suddenly teleported with Tsuzuki to Ju-Oh-Cho.

--

Hisoka's eyes widened as they appeared in the infirmary. Tsuzuki set Hisoka down on one of the beds, then walked out of the room, leaving the boy to stare at the door as it closed. He looked at the strange room. He didn't recognize anything in it but he had a feeling that he had been in it before.

Walking into Watari's lab, Tsuzuki shouted for Watari. The scientist came running into the room shouting "Where the fire? Oh Tsuzuki, what's up?"

"I need you to check Hisoka out. I brought him to the infirmary," the man told his friend.

As they walked to the infirmary down the hallway, Tsuzuki explained what happened when he went to find out why Hisoka hadn't come into work that morning. Watari listened, his eyes widening the more Tsuzuki said. He told Tsuzuki to put the boy down onto one of the beds so he could examine him.

"Bon, do you feel sick? Are you feeling any pain?"

"Iie, but who are you? And why did that man bring me here?" the boy asked.

He was starting to get really frightened and didn't know who or what these people wanted from him. He kept looking over at Tsuzuki, who was sitting in a chair he had pulled up beside the boy's bed. The man named Watari kept asking him questions that he didn't know the answers to.

"You don't remember who we are? Or where this is? You remember who you are right?" Watari asked.

"I didn't when I woke up this morning. I only figured out what my name is from looking around the apartment I woke up in. I found an identification card. I'm Hisoka Kurosaki, but I don't know who you are or who he is either," the teenager explained, and pointed to Tsuzuki.

"I see. Tsuzuki, could you please give me a few minutes to talk to Hisoka alone?" Watari asked.

Tsuzuki was about to say something, but figured there might be some personal things the scientist needed to ask the boy and he might be embarrassed with his partner in the room. So he said sure and left the room.

--

"Bon, you really don't remember anything?" Watari asked the boy once Tsuzuki had left.

"I already told you that I don't. Why do you keep asking me?" Hisoka replied, clearly irritated.

Watari looked at him, then thought for a moment. If he had been drenched in the potion, it could have seeped into his pores causing him to lose his memory. From the fact that the entire potion was dumped onto the kid, the scientist had no idea how long his memory loss would last.

Though Hisoka had asked Watari to help him with Tsuzuki, he didn't know whether he should go along with the plan, disregarding the fact that Hisoka wouldn't get his memory back in a few hours as planned or just forget the whole thing. A sudden thought occurred to him though. Hisoka had wanted him to help him make Tsuzuki realize his feelings for the young empath. Watari decided to go ahead with the plan. He'd just tell Hisoka a few things that weren't necessarily untrue and then tell Tsuzuki to go along with them to keep Hisoka becoming more frightened at the his loss of memory.

The amber eyed scientist reasoned that it couldn't really hurt anything considering both males were in love with one another but refused to do anything about it. Hisoka had decided to take matters into his own hands when Tsuzuki had refused to accept that Hisoka could really be happy with him. He thought he wasn't worthy of being loved by anyone, let alone someone like the boy.

Watari explained to Hisoka that he was dead. He was a shinigami. He explained that they were in Meifu, at the Ju-Oh-Cho. The boy seemed to take all this in and just asked questions quietly, which Watari answered. The scientist bit back a smile when the teen finally asked about Tsuzuki.

"So, who exactly is the man that brought me here? He said he was my partner, is that true?" the sound of the empath's soft voice broke Watari from his thoughts.

"Aa, he is. You've been partners for about four years now. But you're both more than that," Watari was now checking something on his computer so he wasn't looking at the boy, who suddenly looked confused again.

"More than partners?" he asked.

"You've been dating for about a year. You're his lover," Watari mentally crossed his fingers, hoping that the kid would believe this. It wasn't exactly the truth, but not really a lie either. If Tsuzuki would stop being so pitifully self-deprecating, the pair would have hooked a long time ago.

"I'm his ... what?" the boy asked, his voice small and strained. His cheeks had flushed a bright pink color.

"Lover."

Hisoka opened his mouth to say something, but there was a knock on the infirmary door, followed by it opening to allow Tsuzuki to poke his head into the room.

Hisoka flushed even more. His entire face turning a pinkish red color when he looked at the man. He lowered his head embarrassed when Tsuzuki gave him a bright smile.

"So, Watari, what's wrong with him?" Tsuzuki asked.

Watari told Hisoka he wanted to talk to the other man alone and that they would be right back. Tsuzuki looked at the scientist strangely but followed him out of the infirmary, closing the door quietly behind them.

_This morning I didn't even know who I was, then I find out I'm dead, and that my partner is my lover, things couldn't possibly get any stranger_, the boy thought.

If only that were true.


	3. Just Go With It

Standing in the hallway outside the infirmary, Tsuzuki looked through the small window in the door, he stared at his young partner who looked so small sitting on the bed in the room. Watari was saying something, so Tsuzuki reluctantly dragged his gaze away from the boy and turned to look at the scientist.

"...and I told him something that I should explain to you," Watari was saying.

"Huh? What were you saying?" Tsuzuki asked the man.

"I was telling you that bon is suffering from some sort of memory loss. Amnesia," the scientist told him.

"Watari, does this happen to have anything to do with that potion your owl dumped on Hisoka yesterday?" Tsuzuki's eyes narrowed, trying to figure out how the boy could lose his memory overnight.

"Could be. I don't know for sure. I'll start researching for a cure though, in case his memory doesn't return on it's own," Watari said.

Well, it's not like the scientist could tell the amethyst eyed shinigami about him and Hisoka coming up with a plan to get the man to admit his feelings for the boy. Tsuzuki would be upset, would most likely close himself off even more and then, when the teen regained his memory, he'd be angry at the scientist for telling the man about their plan. So, Watari decided to leave out some pieces of information. Just a few small pieces. Nothing too big. Watari figured this was a good opportunity to get the pair together. So he just went with it.

"I told him about him being dead and a shinigami. I explained that you're his partner. But I also told him that he was your... lover," Watari said the last part carefully and slowly.

"My _what_?! Why would you tell him that?" the purple eyed shinigami was dumbstruck. He blinked like three times at the blonde scientist.

"Listen, don't get angry alright? I know how you feel about the kid. You've told me more than once that you're in love with him and that you believe you don't deserve him. But you know he's in love with you as well. I just thought, that with him not remembering anything right now, that it would sort of take the pressure off of you both," Watari explained.

"Watari, when his memory comes back, he's going to be very upset that we deceived him. Tell him you were mistaken," Tsuzuki told him.

"Tsuzuki, listen, I'm your friend, so I won't go in there and say that I misunderstood your feelings for him. You know he loves you. You and I both know you love him as well. Now, I think, you should just go with this. Besides, he's scared and he's confused. And he doesn't need to feel so alone," the scientist told him.

"But..." Tsuzuki started, only to be cut off.

"No buts, just go with this alright? You'll see, it'll work out. And when he gets his memory back, everything will be ok, you'll see," Watari patted the other man on the shoulder, adding, "So, go back in there and talk to the boy."

"Ano, I am still not sure about this. But I will go with it so he won't be frightened or confused anymore. I just hope he doesn't kill us when his memory returns," Tsuzuki said, opening the door to the infirmary and going inside.

Oh, don't worry, he won't kill us, Watari thought, grinning. He turned and walked down the hallway and around the corner to go fill Tatsumi in on the boy's memory situation.

--

Sitting in the bed in the infirmary, Hisoka kept trying to remember things, but the more he tried, the more his head began to hurt. He looked up suddenly when he felt as though someone were looking at him, and his emerald eyes met amethyst ones looking through the small window in the door.

He gave a small smile then shyly looked away. He didn't understand why he thought he should remember the man with the purple eyes and chocolate brown hair. Though he couldn't remember if they were lovers as Watari had told him, he felt they were more than friends.

He was dragged from his thoughts as the door opened and the man walked in alone. He came to sit on the edge of the bed next to him, instead of sitting in the chair he'd vacated a few minutes before.

"Soka, Watari told me he explained everything to you. About working here, and being my partner. He says you have amnesia," Tsuzuki said to him.

"Amnesia? How did I get it?" Hisoka asked, confused again.

"He thinks it might have something to do with a potion of his being poured onto you yesterday when we were in our office," the man told him.

"Potion? Will my memory come back?" the teen asked.

He wanted to remember everything about his life, who he was, where he had been, his friends, this man, and the thought of never regaining his memory frightened him. Tears appeared in the corners of his green eyes. Tsuzuki leaned over and took him into his arms, for a moment Hisoka thought maybe he should be scared but he wasn't, he felt safe. He wrapped his arms around the man's back.

"Soka, it'll be ok, I promise. I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you," Tsuzuki told him, he voice soft.

"Watari told me we're... we are...l-lovers, but I don't remember. Gomenasai, I don't remember us," the empath begin to cry, pressing his face into his partner's chest.

"It's alright Soka, really, please don't cry. I hate when you cry," his partner whispered.

Hisoka pulled back, his eyes looking into Tsuzuki's, he didn't know why, but he trusted this man, he believed everything he was telling him and before he could think, he brushed his lips softly over the others. Tsuzuki let out a small gasp and pulled back.

"Gomen, I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have done that. I just thought, since we're lovers, I figured we've already kissed before. So maybe if I kissed you now, it might help me remember something about us," the boy stammered out, lowering his head.

"It just took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting it. I know you've had a difficult morning. And I don't want you to feel pressured or hurt," the man explained.

Tsuzuki wasn't sure if he could actually fool Hisoka, but, he kept thinking about what Watari had told him. Maybe this was their chance. When there wasn't anything in the way to make him afraid to just be with the boy he loved. Without thinking he was hurting him. If he stayed with him while he was trying to remember everything, maybe Tsuzuki could relax and just go with it.

On the other hand, wasn't it wrong to deceive the boy while he couldn't remember anything? He was relying on them to tell him who he was, what he couldn't remember and telling him that him and his partner were an item could backfire and hurt the boy more than anything else ever could. Sighing, Tsuzuki decided to just go with it, he did love Hisoka. And he would just take this time to be with him.

"Let me take you home alright Soka?" Tsuzuki told the youth.

Hisoka lifted his head, he suddenly smiled and Tsuzuki thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.


	4. Stay With Me

Tsuzuki followed Hisoka into the boy's apartment. He had planned to take the boy to his own apartment, but felt the teen would be more comfortable in his own home. Even if he couldn't remember, Tsuzuki thought being there would help Hisoka regain his memory faster.

"I'll drop by in the morning to pick you up for work. You might not remember how to get there, plus I want to keep an eye on you just incase anything happens and you need any help, alright?" Tsuzuki told the boy.

"Uh, sure. Are you leaving now?" Hisoka asked, his voice soft, but Tsuzuki noted the small waver in it.

"I was going to go home and catch some sleep. You should try to sleep as well. It's been a long day." Turning, he started to reach for the door, when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked back to see Hisoka had come up behind him. He turned around, his eyes questioning.

"Hisoka?"

"Please, um, I-I don't know if I want to be alone right now. I don't even know my own apartment. Would you stay with me? You don't have to if you want to stay at your own place. But I..." Hisoka broke off, his green eyes lowering to the floor.

Tsuzuki reached out and pulled the boy into his arms, wrapping his arms around the smaller frame, he rested his head on the boy's golden brown hair. He felt Hisoka wrap his arms around his his back.

"I'll stay with you. If you like, I'll stay with you for as long as you want me too," he told him. Hisoka looked up at him, a small smile on his lips. He nodded his head.

"Do you want to go get some of your things? I could come with you or wait here," Hisoka said.

"I'll teleport, so it shouldn't take me too long. You should lay down and try to sleep. I'll be back soon," he told the teen, teleporting when the boy nodded.

--

Hisoka laid down in the unfamiliar bed he'd woken up in that morning. He stared up at the shadows from the moonlight that had slipped in through the curtains. It had been a long day, but he wasn't as frightened as he had been when he'd woken up that morning.

He let his thoughts drift back to his partner. He wanted to ask him so many questions but thought it better to wait until the morning. He wished he would hurry up, it'd been half an hour and the boy couldn't sleep. Though he wasn't as scared as earlier, he still felt anxious without the purple eyed man around.

Watari had told him that he and Tsuzuki had been partners for about four years and dating for about a year. He wondered if they were just dating or if they had done... more. He didn't know if he could jump right back into something he couldn't remember, though he figured his partner would understand. He sighed, as thought of how his lips had felt brushing the others.

It had felt nice. And he had been surprised at how natural it had felt. He wouldn't mind doing it again. But he wasn't sure how far they'd actually gone or if how he should act if they had.

_I'll just act like I have been. I'm sure he'll let me know how our relationship was_, he told himself.

Noises from the living room had him getting out of bed to go check on Tsuzuki. Walking down the hallway to the living room, the boy stopped. Tsuzuki was rummaging in the bag he'd brought for something. Probably something to sleep in the boy thought. There was a question he wanted to ask the man, and he figured if he came right out with it before talking himself out of it, it would help with his nervousness. So he opened his mouth and blurted out,

"Tsuzuki, are you going to come to bed soon?"

The man stood up, almost dropping the clothing he had pulled out of the bag. He looked at the empath, surprise in his amethyst eyes. Well, that answers the question of whether they'd gone further than just dating. Hisoka felt a slight feeling of disappointment surge within him that he didn't understand. It was almost as if he were upset that they hadn't been intimate. But why would he be, though Tsuzuki seemed familiar to him, he still didn't remember anything about him and the man.

"Uh, yeah, I'll make up the sofa..." Tsuzuki began.

"Y-you can sleep with me," Hisoka told him, flushing pink, "I feel like a stranger in my own bed, in my own apartment. I.. I think it would... would help to have someone I have a relationship with to... to be next to."

I sound so lame, he thought, like a scared little kid who is afraid of the dark.

"I m-mean, if y-you want to, you know," the boy added.

Tsuzuki was still looking at him as though he hadn't understood what he'd said. Then the man smiled, and Hisoka had to catch his breath.

--

While Tsuzuki was changing in the bathroom, Hisoka had walked back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed waiting. He was kind of nervous about sleeping next to Tsuzuki, but excited too. He wondered if Tsuzuki would want to hold him or kiss him. Hisoka's heartbeat began racing.

He looked up as Tsuzuki walked into the bedroom wearing boxers and a t-shirt. Hisoka stood up and climbed into bed, pulling the covers over himself he watched as Tsuzuki got into bed and did the same.

"Oyasumi Soka," Tsuzuki told him.

Hisoka felt disappointment wash through him. He'd thought the man would at least kiss him goodnight. He scooted closer to his partner, he felt Tsuzuki turn his head to look at him in the dark when he placed a hand on one of his arms. When the older male didn't push him away, he moved closer.

"Hisoka," Tsuzuki whispered.

Hisoka lifted his head, and brought his lips down onto Tsuzuki's. This time, the man didn't gasp or pull away so Hisoka felt bolder and pressed his tongue against the man's silently asking him to open his mouth, which he did. Their tongues pressed against each other's. Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's arms come around him, pulling him up to him.

The teen felt himself growing warmer the longer they kissed. Tsuzuki's hands were rubbing up and down his back. Hisoka pressed up even closer, moaning in the back of his throat as the kiss became more demanding. He wanted more. He didn't know why, but it seemed as though, he'd always wanted this. Suddenly, Tsuzuki pulled away, leaving them both panting.

"Soka, we can't do this," Tsuzuki told him.

Hisoka blinked. If they were lovers, why couldn't they kiss? Hadn't they kissed before?

"I don't understand. We're together. Don't we kiss each other?" the boy asked.

Tsuzuki didn't know what to tell him. He just knew that if he continued kissing Hisoka, he would have wanted to take it further and the boy had amnesia. He didn't want to take advantage of the situation. He didn't want Hisoka to be angry with him and leave him when his memory came back and he found out that Watari had lied to him and Tsuzuki had went along with it. So, he told a little lie, praying the boy wouldn't press the issue.

"Aa, we do, but, you've had a shock today and I think you should just try to relax and get some sleep. Besides, you said you don't remember me and I don't want to take advantage of you" he said quietly, he started to release the boy, but Hisoka pressed closer to him.

"Oh, I understand, but can I stay next to you, please? Can you just hold me while I sleep?" Hisoka asked, his voice sounded sad, and Tsuzuki mentally kicked himself for hurting him.

"I will hold you anytime you want me to, Soka," he whispered, pulling him closer.

Hisoka laid his head on Tsuzuki's chest, yawning, he smiled and fell asleep. Tsuzuki didn't fall asleep that fast, he was thinking about the situation he was in. He'd never seen the boy smile so much or slept next to him, and he had to admit, it was really nice. He'd held him before, but never anything more than that. He also thought about how affectionate and willing to be held and kissed the boy was behaving. Admitting that was nice too, but he felt it could get out of hand and he didn't quite know how to handle it.

_I'll have a talk with Watari tomorrow, maybe he has some thoughts on what to do before I end up screwing up mine and Hisoka's relationship with raging hormones_, he told himself, as his eyelids grew heavy and he fell asleep.


	5. Do You Love Me?

Tsuzuki was woken up by a screaming Hisoka, who was waving his arms around and kicking the covers with his legs. He bolted upright immediately and grabbed the boy's hands with his own. The action caused Hisoka to scream even louder. Shaking the boy to try to wake him up, he pulled the flailing youth close to his chest. Hisoka's cheeks were wet and his skin was hot.

"_No_, _please don't_! _Nooo_!" Hisoka screamed over and over.

"Hisoka! You need to wake up. Please wake up," Tsuzuki said.

Tsuzuki kept whispering to the boy that it was just a dream, to please wake up. He rubbed his back soothingly trying to calm the boy down. Whispering into his ear that he was here, that he wouldn't let anyone hurt him, he gently shook the teen. Hisoka opened his eyes and sobbed into his partner's chest. His small arms went around to hold Tsuzuki.

Hisoka pulled his head back when he'd stopped crying. His bright green eyes glimmered with his tears.

"Hisoka, are you alright now?" Tsuzuki asked, still holding the boy close.

"Man in white, so much pain and blood. Why would I dream something like that Tsuzuki?" the boy asked. Tsuzuki sucked in a breath, his amethyst eyes widening.

How was he supposed to tell the boy who the man in white was and what he'd done to him?

"Please tell me! I want to know if it's just a nightmare or if it's a memory. I need to know. Please," Hisoka pleaded.

"Muraki. He's a doctor. He cursed you when you were thirteen one night when you saw him killing someone," the older shinigami told him, his voice barely a whisper. Deliberately leaving out the most horrifying detail of the night Muraki had cursed Hisoka.

"Cursed me?" the boy asked, his voice curious.

"Aa, it's how you died. Three years later," he replied. Hisoka looked thoughful. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, thinking of something.

"Maybe this means my memory is trying to return?" the teen asked, though his voice still held a slight tremor from the nightmare, it also held some hope that his memory was trying to come back.

"Could be. I will talk to Watari in the morning about it. Are you alright though?" Tsuzuki asked him.

"Yeah, I'm ok now. Just a little shaken up, but it's going away," Hisoka replied. He pulled out of Tsuzuki's arms and gently pushed the man backwards. Then he cuddled up close to him. Tsuzuki slipped an arm around the boy again as they both slowly fell back to sleep.

--

Tsuzuki and Hisoka walked into the Ministry building the next morning and were told that Tatsumi wanted to speak to Hisoka. So Tsuzuki went to the lab to discuss a few things with Watari while his partner was with the secretary.

"  
Hey Watari, any thoughts on when Hisoka's memory might come back?" Tsuzuki asked after sitting down on one of the stools in the room.

"I'm still working on a reversing potion. I am waiting on some ingredients from the Count's garden. By the way, how is bon?" Watari asked.

"He had a nightmare about Muraki last night. He asked me why he dreamed about it. He wanted to know if it was just a nightmare or a memory. I had to tell him that Muraki killed him with a curse," Tsuzuki explained.

"So then he could be starting to slowly remember things. That's very good actually. If his memory comes back slowly, it won't be too stressful on his mind or him," the scientist told him.

"There is one other thing," the purple eyed shinigami said.

"What's that?"

"He's pretty affectionate with me. Cuddling, kissing, asked me to sleep with him last night and hold him," Tsuzuki told Watari, his voice quiet.

"Really now? Perhaps it's his subconcious remembering his feelings towards you. How do you feel about this though?" the blonde asked.

"It's nice. Enjoyable just being close to him. And kissing him is... amazing. I just feel like I am taking advantage of the situation here, you know?" he explained.

"I know, but I don't think you are. Bon loves you. And he's showing you that he wants to be near you and be closer to you. He might not remember you on the surface, but somewhere deep inside his mind, he does. I would just go with what you two are feeling," Watari told him.

"Hai hai, I just don't want him to hate me," Tsuzuki looked away.

"Tsuzuki, bon will never hate you. You are the only one he has ever opened himself up to and let in. He loves you. Trust him and have faith in how he feels for you. Or I might have to knock some sense into you," the scientist said, a glint of laughter in his amber eyes.

"Alright, I get the point," the man said, chuckling.

--

Tsuzuki was waiting outside Tatsumi's office when Hisoka came out. The boy stepped close to him, pulling one of his hands into his own. Tsuzuki smiled. He could get used to this side of the empath. Hisoka blushed and smiled back, his green eyes twinkling. The boy leaned up to press his lips to others softly, then pulled his mouth away. Tsuzuki's smile widened as he asked,

"All done?"

"Aa, he just wanted to tell me I have the week off. He's worried about my memory loss and doesn't want me going in the field. He said you could take the week to catch up on paperwork since you won't have a partner for field duty," Hisoka told him. Tsuzuki groaned and Hisoka laughed.

They walked to their office, still holding hands. When they saw Wakaba and Terazuma in the hallway arguing about something. Wakaba seemed to be upset about something and Terazuma looked like he was about to wilt under her reprimanding tone. As they got close to the other two, Tsuzuki had tried to pull his hand out of the other's, only to have Hisoka tighten his hand and look up at him questioningly.

Inside their office, Hisoka let go of his partner's hand, a frown on his face. He leaned against his desk and hung his head.

"Why did you try to pull away when you saw those people? Are you ashamed of this?" Hisoka asked softly, hurt in his emerald green eyes.

Shaking his head, Tsuzuki stepped closer to the boy, placing his hands on the smaller shinigami's shoulders. Hisoka looked up at him, his eyes questioning.

"Iie, I'm not ashamed. It's just that you're usually more reserved in public Soka. I didn't want you to feel embarrassed," Tsuzuki explained to him.

"Why should I be embarrassed? We're dating. Why should we hide how we feel?" Hisoka asked.

Tsuzuki was taken aback. Normally, the boy would blush and try to hide how he felt. He would never openly show affection infront of others. He was shy and he embarrassed easily. Tsuzuki realized he'd hurt the boy by trying to pull away from him when he was only trying to be close to the older man.

"Gomen Soka, please forgive me," the man said.

Hisoka opened his mouth to say something, but what came out shocked Tsuzuki more than the boy holding his hand in public had.

"Do you love me Tsuzuki?" Hisoka asked.

Tsuzuki didn't know how to answer. He'd never admitted to anyone but Watari how he felt for the empath. He wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to say yes, but he was afraid. Afraid that openly admitting his feelings for the boy would eventually lead to him getting hurt when the teen realized how unworthy he actually was. In his heart, Tsuzuki knew he loved Hisoka, he just didn't know if he was ready to tell him yet. He didn't know if he was ready to open himself up yet.

"I... I love being with you Hisoka. I love everything about you," he said. Hisoka looked at him, his green eyes narrowing.

"But do you love me? Not being with me, not everything about me, just me. For me. Do you love me?" Hisoka's voice started to shake, and Tsuzuki knew he was trying not to cry.

"I don't know if I'm ready to say it," Tsuzuki started, he was about to say something else when he saw a tear slip from one of the boy's green eyes.

Then Hisoka suddenly pulled away and ran out of the office.

Tsuzuki went after him but the boy had already teleported out of the building. He teleported to Hisoka's apartment, but the teen wasn't there.

_Dammit! Why couldn't I just say it? I love him. I love him so much and I couldn't tell him_, Tsuzuki was angry with himself.

He spent the next few hours looking for the boy, but he couldn't find him. He didn't know where the empath would have gone. He kept praying that he was somewhere safe.

_When I find him, I'll tell him how much I love him. I hope he forgives me for not being able to say it before,_ he promised himself.


	6. Remember I Love You

After two hours of searching the park, the beach and around town, Tsuzuki gave up and headed back to Hisoka's apartment. When he walked into the apartment, the boy was sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. He looked up when Tsuzuki shut the door and walked over to the sofa. Tsuzuki put a hand on one of the boy's knees. Hisoka had tears in his eyes and his face was wet.

"Soka, where did you go? I looked everywhere for you," he asked the empath.

"I just walked around the shops in the mall. I thought if there were a lot of people around, I wouldn't think so much, but I got a headache so I came back here," Hisoka told him.

"Why are you crying?" Tsuzuki asked quietly.

"You don't seem to be happy with me. You don't act like I'm your lover. So I thought, maybe you don't want to be with me," the boy said, his soft voice trembling.

"I do want to be with you. I just got scared for a minute. Gomenasai Soka," Tsuzuki reached out to take the boy into his arms. Hisoka went willingly, wrapping his small arms around the taller man.

"Then you do love me?" the boy mumbled into his partner's neck.

"Aa, I love you Hisoka. I've loved you for a long time. But it scares me because I love you so much and I don't want to lose you," Tsuzuki explained, his own voice was strained with unshed tears. He hated to see the youth cry and he hated it even more since he was the cause of the boy's tears now.

Hisoka looked up his partner, then pressed his lips to Tsuzuki's. He smiled into the kiss as he felt the other man's hands come up and run through his hair. Tsuzuki's tongue pressed against his lips and he gladly opened his mouth to receive the other's tongue, pressing his own against it. Shivers ran up and down his spine. He heard Tsuzuki moan and he pulled away, his eyes looking into pools of amethyst.

Leaning his forehead against the other's, Hisoka whispered, "I love you Tsuzuki. I know you think that if I don't remember everything that I don't know if I love you, but I do. I feel it inside myself. Inside my heart. I love you."

Tsuzuki thought about what Watari had told him earlier that day and he smiled at the beautiful boy in his arms. Pressing his forehead against the other's, he smiled.

"Aishiteru Hisoka," Tsuzuki whispered.

"Tsuzuki, could we.. make love?" the boy asked, his cheeks turning pink.

"Do you think maybe we should wait until you get your memory back? I don't want you to think I took advantage of you or anything," the older shinigami told him.

"I don't think you would take advantage of this situation. We love each other. I want you. Please, make love to me tonight. I want to be close to you," Hisoka's green eyes were pleading.

Tsuzuki looked at Hisoka. He loved him. And he wanted this boy. He'd always wanted him. And he mentally fought with his feelings. Making his decision, he stood up. Reaching down, he pulled the boy into his arms, and carried him to the bedroom.

--

When they reached the bedroom, Tsuzuki put Hisoka down and sat on the bed, pulling the boy to stand between his legs. He reached up and unbuttoned the shirt the boy was wearing, pulling it off his shoulders. He looked at the boy standing infront of him.

"You're so beautiful Hisoka," Tsuzuki whispered, leaning forward to kiss the boy's stomach.

Hisoka put his hands on his partner's shoulders to keep himself steady as heat flooded his limbs. He sucked in a breath and slowly let it out as Tsuzuki's lips trailed upwards. Hisoka gasped as he felt Tsuzuki's tongue licking one of his nipples and sucking gently.

The empath brought his hands up to weave them into the chocolate brown locks of the man who was now repeating his actions on the boy's other nipple. Hisoka felt faint, but he held himself steady. He felt really hot and he wanted to touch this man who he loved.

Tsuzuki brought his hands to the waistband of the boy's jeans. The man looked up, questioningly. With a quick nod, Hisoka gave his consent and closed his eyes when he felt the button of his jeans open and the zipper being pulled down. When his pants were pushed down along with his boxers, he felt himself being pulled into Tsuzuki's lap. He opened his eyes and smiled, bringing his mouth to kiss the other man's lips gently.

His partner stood up and gently laid him down on the bed. Quickly shedding his own clothing, Tsuzuki laid down on the bed next to Hisoka. He pulled the boy into his arms, kissing him, letting his lips trail down the boy's jaw to his neck. Sucking on the soft heated flesh, he heard the boy moaning as he felt the small hands come up to trail along his chest.

Tsuzuki thought he could die again just from being this close to Hisoka. He felt the boy press closer to him and he kissed his neck. He slipped a hand inbetween their bodies to wrap his hand around the boy's hardening erection. Hisoka gasped and shivered as his fingers stroked the length of the boy's member.

"Tsuzuki," Hisoka moaned.

Tsuzuki moved down, his tongue trailing along, sucking and kissing the boy's flesh as his body moved downwards. When he reached the boy's erection, he licked the tip and swirled his tongue around it. Hisoka arched up, crying out, his fingers once again winding through Tsuzuki's hair. The empath started to shake as Tsuzuki took him into his mouth. Tugging on the man's hair, Hisoka's hips moved up and down in time to the mouth bobbing up and down on him.

He felt himself tightening around his groin and trembled as he felt a wealth of emotions flood throughout his entire being. His green eyes rolled back and he screamed as he came inside his lover's mouth. Tsuzuki lapped up the boy's seed, licking him clean. Sliding up to kiss the boy, he pulled the youth on top of him and held him close as the tremors slowly ended.

"How are you feeling Soka?" Tsuzuki whispered to him.

Hisoka smiled then kissed his lover, grinding against the man's erection. He felt himself hardening again and he wanted more. He ground his hips into his partner's and kissed him deeply, rolling them over so Tsuzuki was on top of him.

"Make love to me Tsuzuki. I want to feel you inside me," Hisoka told him.

For once since Hisoka had lost his memory, Tsuzuki was happy that the boy wouldn't remember his last experience with intercourse. He wasn't frightened and while the shinigami would be gentle as he made love to the boy, he was momentarily glad that the boy wasn't behaving shyly. This way, he was sure that Hisoka could truly enjoy it when Tsuzuki made love to him tonight.

Looking around, the amethyst eyed shinigami noticed a small bottle of lotion on the nightstand beside the bed. Grabbing it, he squeezed some onto his fingers. Leaning down to kiss Hisoka, the man pressed a finger against the boy's tight entrance. Hisoka tried to pull back, but Tsuzuki followed him with his mouth as he slowly slipped the finger inside the boy.

Hisoka pulled away, a little cry of pain releasing from his lips. His green eyes filled with tears.

"Shhh, baby, it's alright. It hurts at first, but it'll get better soon," Tsuzuki told him.

"Promise?" Hisoka was shaking, as he moved his hips to try to get comfortable, as Tsuzuki whispered 'yes' and slipped in another finger. Hisoka bit his bottom lip to keep from crying out again.

It was almost intolerable. But Tsuzuki kept whispering he loved him and promising that it was necessary to do it this way in order to take him later. Tsuzuki pulled his fingers out a bit and then slowly pushed them back in. He kept repeating his movements and Hisoka slowly relaxed against the probing of his partner's fingers. When he felt the boy relaxing and heard him moan, he quickly slid a third finger inside the boy.

Hisoka moaned loudly, pressing himself down onto the fingers inside him, wanting to push them in deeper. When Tsuzuki kissed him again, he whined when he felt the fingers leave him. He felt empty inside and tried to pull Tsuzuki down again, but the man just kissed him again, chuckling lightly.

Tsuzuki raised Hisoka's legs up so he could better position himself between the boy's legs. He pressed his member against the boy's entrance and slowly slide himself inside. Immediately he felt Hisoka's muscles clench down around him tightly.

"Hisoka, relax. I promise I won't hurt you," Tsuzuki told his lover, kissing him gently on the lips.

The youth kissed his lover back as he slowly began to relax, allowing Tsuzuki to slide himself inside him all the way. The boy wrapped his arms around the man's neck. When Hisoka began shifting underneath him, Tsuzuki slowly started to move in and out of his body.

Hisoka moaned as the pain slowly ebbed away and a slow heat replaced it. He moved his hips matching the slow steady pace Tsuzuki had set as he thrust in and out of him. Moving his hands down, he placed them on his partner's arms, his nails digging into the warm flesh underneath them.

"Tsuzuki," Hisoka whispered, "I love you."

"I love you too Soka," Tsuzuki whispered back, leaning his head down to capture the boy's lips with his own.

They held onto each other as they ascended higher and higher, their hearts beating in time to one anothers as they made love. Hisoka felt his nerve endings catch on fire, like lava it spread through him and he felt himself shatter as he came, crying his lovers name. Tsuzuki felt as the boy clenched around him and drove into him with one final thrust, coming deep within the teen.

They lay in a mass of tangled limbs and sweat soaked bodies. Hisoka was resting his head on Tsuzuki's chest as the older man played with the boy's hair.

--

"Ne Tsuzuki, did you really mean it when you said you loved me?" he asked the man a little while later.

"Of course I meant it," Tsuzuki replied, pulling the boy closer to him.

"Well, there's something I need to tell you," Hisoka said, adding, "Promise you won't be angry though."

"Nani?" the man looked at him curiously.

"Promise first," the boy insisted.

"I promise," Tsuzuki swore.

"I love you, please remember that I've always loved you. I know you love me too. And that you have for a long time. But I didn't know what to do to make you admit it and want to be with me, so I asked Watari for help. He was going to make a potion, which he did. I was going to drink a small drop of it, just enough to lock my memory down for a few hours. Then, I could have you stay with me and we could be together without you feeling any pressure. It was stupid, I know. And you have every right to be angry with me. But in my defense, I didn't know what else to do to make you see that you're everything to me," Hisoka started crying.

Tsuzuki just looked at him. Hisoka was going to drink a potion to get him to realize he was in love with him? The boy loved him that much to go through being a guinea pig to make him see he was worthy of the empath's love? He couldn't actually find it within himself to be angry at the youth.

"Hisoka, I'm not angry. I do love you. I have always loved you. And I'm sorry that I hurt you by not admitting it. I want to be with you more than anything, if you'll have me. When your memory returns..." Tsuzuki was suddenly cut off by one of Hisoka's fingers.

"Ano, my memory returned this morning. I think my nightmare about Muraki triggered my its return. I didn't tell you since I thought.. well I wasn't exactly thinking. About anything. I just wanted you to know how I felt and for you to admit you felt the same way," Hisoka explained.

"You're such a brat Soka, but I love you, and I will admit it everyday for the rest of our days together," Tsuzuki said, rolling over so the boy was pinned beneath his body. He kissed him.

Hisoka sighed into the kiss as Tsuzuki started to show him how much he loved him again by pressing his body against him. Moaning, Hisoka gave a slight laugh and arched up into the man above him.


End file.
